How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
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(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Please do it!
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
im 7 sauces long
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
The news
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT