How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

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Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning


[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.


When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you’re like “where did you find this, I didn’t give you any cheese today?”


*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”


[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?


Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*


Retailer #1: Hey we just got a bunch of great books in! People are going to love them!

Retailer #2: Great! Let’s put price stickers on them.

#1: The kind that come off easily and cleanly, right?

#2: NOPE!


THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.


I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”


If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.


I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single