how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
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[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
That’s fair
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing