How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
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*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
That’s fair
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating