How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
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Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.