Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
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DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Jail
These 3D printers are insane!
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Webb. James Webb.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper