How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib