How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

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I’ve never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three year old toddler over my shoulder


Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.


If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome..


Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”


[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim


*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*


[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in


Flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that on the plane.

Me: this is my emotional support chainsaw.


id be so offended if a group of ppl just rolled through my room on safari rn as im lounging in bed and just pointed at me and took pictures