How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
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Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”