How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
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When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
An odd boast
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.