How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
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I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!