How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Watermelon Boss!
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t