How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
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You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
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FINAL OFFER
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LAST & FINAL OFFER
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FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.