How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

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Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…


when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie


ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.


[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time


I’ve seen enough episodes of “Cops” to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces.


GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up


I’m not allowed to watch Hoarders anymore because people say “let it go” too often and then I can’t stop singing it, an autobiography.


I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”