How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
You Might Also Like
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.