“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
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If it weren’t for dating sites, I’d still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it’s all gone now.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
My new cardio routine is just me frantically tearing apart the living room couch looking for the remote, while I Am Legend plays in the background, and my kids scream “The dog scene us coming up! THE DOG SCENE! MOOOOOM!!!!”
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I guess knocking on random dressing room doors in a department store and asking “hey, can I see how you look?” is frowned upon.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.