How to make a woman crazy in two steps:
1. Take a picture of her
2. Don’t show her the picture

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Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.


If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach


Why must the weapons in Clue be so mundane? It’s an imaginary murder. Why not a teapot full of bees, a laser gun, a poem so beautiful it kills?


You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.


Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.


Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!


I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still


I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.


I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.


9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?