For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
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[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Help Wanted
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
📽️movie date🎞️
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap: