How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
This hospital has everything
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
wtf is an acronym
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
When your man makes a valid point