How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
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If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer