How to make infinite energy.

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You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.


[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.


I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”


An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.


Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind


Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*


Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years


The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.