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I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
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*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that