The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
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The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.