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We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Cats are still liquid.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Succinctly put.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Battery falling down a hole