Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
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The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I came this close!!!!
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”