How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
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Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.