[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
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Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.