@robfee

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

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@mexinonblonde

This is just the most tragical thing that has ever happened to me.

-Me eating tofu

@ScaryMommy

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

@Sally5977

If you’re wondering at what age you’ll stop messing up your life know that it’s not 40 and apparently not 50 either.

@XplodingUnicorn

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

@KeetPotato

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

@walks_on_legs

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

@daemonic3

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

@Michael1979

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

@USMCSDI

BREAKING NEWS:

Nigerian man dies and authorities find $27 billion dollars in his apartment

He had been trying to give it away for 15 years but nobody would return his emails