How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
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Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Camping tip: No.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Breaking news:
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Breaking news:
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.