This is just the most tragical thing that has ever happened to me.
-Me eating tofu
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
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“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
If you’re wondering at what age you’ll stop messing up your life know that it’s not 40 and apparently not 50 either.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Nigerian man dies and authorities find $27 billion dollars in his apartment
He had been trying to give it away for 15 years but nobody would return his emails