@robfee

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

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@kingofcreame

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

@thedad

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

@novicefather

[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?

@thesammyhannah

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

@thetigersez

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

@Quartzjixler

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.