what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
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Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
3yo: daddy someone is texting you
[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
DTF (Down time finally)