After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
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The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
If you brush your teeth then drink orange juice you can physically taste 2020
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.