Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

The opposite of Iceland is water water

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate