How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
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Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.