How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
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I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
You learn something every day
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.