Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
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Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet