How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
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The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.