If a man strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown yourself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
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wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I just realized
All italian foods and drinks end in an “I”
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
BARNES: “What if it wasn’t just empty cabinets?”
NOBLE: “Let’s sell books!”
AND: “This is why we make such a great team.”
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*
“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Me: 🎵Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near🎵
[front of card]
No one will find your body
as attractive as I do
[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs