@TheBoydP

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

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@TheTweetOfGod

If a man strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown yourself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

@iwearaonesie

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

@noneofyours99

I just realized
All italian foods and drinks end in an “I”

Ravioli
Calamari
Spaghetti
Peach bellini
Manicotti
Biscotti
Lasagnai

@Death_Buddy

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

@SamGrittner

BARNES: “What if it wasn’t just empty cabinets?”
NOBLE: “Let’s sell books!”
AND: “This is why we make such a great team.”

@SteveSuckington

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

@EyalTweet

Me: 🎵Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near🎵

Roadkill: …

@ElleOhHell

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

@mejustbeth

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs