How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
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what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now