How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
You Might Also Like
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I know
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I have questions??
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.