I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
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Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Pikachu found the lost joint
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.