[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
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The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.