how to piss off everybody

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My voicemail greeting:

Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.


{Kid’s bday party}

Me: Where’s the cake?

Mom of kid: We don’t believe in sugar.

Me: I promise it’s real. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.


People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.


My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!


Judge: I sentence you to 10 years
Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years
Lawyer: That’s not how that..
Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU


Staying with my parents, Vol 2, pt. 6:

My father doesn’t bat an eye when he hears for the first time that I’m bisexual, but he does threaten to disown me after I accidentally tell my mother that he rented a movie on Prime for $20


Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.


Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel