@Ad_Inifinitum

how to piss off everybody

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@Canadian_Cutie_

My voicemail greeting:

Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.

@SaraMansford

{Kid’s bday party}

Me: Where’s the cake?

Mom of kid: We don’t believe in sugar.

Me: I promise it’s real. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

@ddsmidt

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

@sofarrsogud

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

@novixv

Judge: I sentence you to 10 years
Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years
Lawyer: That’s not how that..
Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU

@thearibradford

Staying with my parents, Vol 2, pt. 6:

My father doesn’t bat an eye when he hears for the first time that I’m bisexual, but he does threaten to disown me after I accidentally tell my mother that he rented a movie on Prime for $20

@GoldenSpirals

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

@FatherWithTwins

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel