How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
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who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.