ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
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Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library