@GhettoChiIdren
@EllaZee5
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
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@EllaZee5
@mikealfredcaine
my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying “jeff is dead” so they know what the flowers are for
@Itskarleytime
When the wrong number texts me
@peachesanscream
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
@theshamingofjay
I change Siri to a man’s voice and now it doesn’t answer any more questions and turns off for hours
@Brettagher
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
@3sunzzz
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
@Gorilla_Turd
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
@clichedout
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time