@GhettoChiIdren

How to rap like Pit Bull: Spanish Spanish Spanish Mr Worldwide DALE!!

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@JediGigi

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

@JimmyBauer

Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest.

@NervousJr

Boss: “late again I see”

Brain: think of a good excuse!

Mouth: “your moms late.”

Brain: wow….

@david8hughes

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

@ieatanddrink

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

@abbycohenwl

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

@TheRolo

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

@EndhooS

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

@CuppleOthoughts

Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room

Obama: Joe be professional

Biden: STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHER-

#BidenMemes

@Faptually

I’ll have a whiskey please.

“Ma’am, this is McDonald’s.”

Sorry, a McWhiskey.