How to rap like Pit Bull: Spanish Spanish Spanish Mr Worldwide DALE!!

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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression


Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest.


Boss: “late again I see”

Brain: think of a good excuse!

Mouth: “your moms late.”

Brain: wow….


[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.


Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan


Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did


Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!



Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*


Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room

Obama: Joe be professional




I’ll have a whiskey please.

“Ma’am, this is McDonald’s.”

Sorry, a McWhiskey.