“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
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Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest.
Boss: “late again I see”
Brain: think of a good excuse!
Mouth: “your moms late.”
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room
Obama: Joe be professional
Biden: STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHER-
I’ll have a whiskey please.
“Ma’am, this is McDonald’s.”
Sorry, a McWhiskey.