My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Me when my alarm goes off