@GhettoChiIdren

How to rap like Pit Bull: Spanish Spanish Spanish Mr Worldwide DALE!!

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@mikealfredcaine

my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying “jeff is dead” so they know what the flowers are for

@peachesanscream

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

@theshamingofjay

I change Siri to a man’s voice and now it doesn’t answer any more questions and turns off for hours

@Brettagher

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

@3sunzzz

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

@Gorilla_Turd

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

@clichedout

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time