@ThePoke

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

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@SassyTexasGal

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

@skedaddle74

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

@VerifiedDrunk

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

@TheCatWhisprer

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

@AudreyPorne

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

@tastefactory

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

@TheToddWilliams

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.