*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
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*puts kid in tub*
*forgets about kid*
*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*
Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?
I didn’ fink fo
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
‘Failed to send tweet,’ is Twitter’s polite way of saying, ‘Dude..’
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.