How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
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Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Lmaoo 😂
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.