How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

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*puts kid in tub*

*checks twitter*

*forgets about kid*


*remembers kid*

*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*


Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?

I didn’ fink fo


MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family


‘Failed to send tweet,’ is Twitter’s polite way of saying, ‘Dude..’


Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.


i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community


I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.


british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving