HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
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I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
A bold strategy
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
*frowns in Scottish*
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
RT if you know someone like this!!!
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future