Hi, I’m your server.

“Our son got a degree!”

Wow! I have a Master’s. Wanna start w/ some chips & salsa?

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My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.


To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.


[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off


“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover


My neighbor crashed her car while listening to Adele. She went rolling in the Jeep


Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”


“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”


People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?


I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off


Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.