How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
You Might Also Like
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I gave up going to work for lent.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses