How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
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I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit