How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

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{phone call}


MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away


Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.


The sonogram of your baby looks awesome!* So clear!** And he looks happy!***

**Is it a human?
***I think you’re having a racoon


We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…


People think I’m a good listener because I am quiet when they’re talking, but really I’m just thinking of how I can create a diversion and run away.


She yells if I kick the ice cube under the fridge

She yells if I pick it up and put it in her drink

Women are so confusing


I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”


her: tell me about yourself

me: ok so u know when a dog runs too fast on tile and crashes into a wall but then looks at u like its ur fault


If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.


They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, “Actually, that just went up 500%.”