@SortaBad

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

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@Cpin42

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

@RedRegenerated

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

@laurajennyjo

I’m not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I’m just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid

@JaneBadall

If I was an alcoholic, I’d stash all my booze in the laundry basket because apparently I’m the only person in my house who knows it exists.

@Kamikaze_Blonde

My husband’s digging what he says is a pond but I’m still thinking about hiding one of those ‘In the event of my death’ letters as a precaution.

@donquixote229

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

@jbillinson

Biden: “Guess who just upper-decked the toilet outside the Oval Office?”
Obama: “Dammit Joe, I have to live here for two more months”

@LaLuchaNix

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk