How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
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The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.