How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

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Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?


Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job


I’m not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I’m just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid


If I was an alcoholic, I’d stash all my booze in the laundry basket because apparently I’m the only person in my house who knows it exists.


My husband’s digging what he says is a pond but I’m still thinking about hiding one of those ‘In the event of my death’ letters as a precaution.


I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born


Biden: “Guess who just upper-decked the toilet outside the Oval Office?”
Obama: “Dammit Joe, I have to live here for two more months”


Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk