@Go2Slp

How to sports:

– Take a ball
– Put it someplace someone else doesn’t want you to put it
– Congratulations you’ve now sportsed

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@The_JRM

My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.

@NervousJr

There’s awkward, and then there’s listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.

@daemonic3

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

@PetrickSara

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

@deankarrier

Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape

@mashyboo

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

@NewDadNotes

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

@dshack8

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.