My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.
How to sports:
– Take a ball
– Put it someplace someone else doesn’t want you to put it
– Congratulations you’ve now sportsed
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Buy the haunted house…
You’ll never be lonely.
There’s awkward, and then there’s listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Me: and spells.
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.