[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
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*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!