Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
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Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
“what’s it like having a sister?”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
some Old Testament wisdom
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago