If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
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[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I’m holding your son for ransom.
DAD: I have no money, what’s the ransom?
KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
So I told my husband that I have a TC and he said, “that’s really cute. See if he wants to fund your shoe addiction”