@NourHadidi

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

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@yoyoha

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

@Marlebean

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

@eedrk

girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train

@nash_official

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

@mommy_cusses

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

@jeepwave7

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

@jackiembouvier

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

If you guys don’t hear from your sexy lady friend TC today it’s because he’s spending Father’s Day with his family.