How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
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It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.