[Turns to stranger at McDonald’s]
So what you gonna get?
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
You Might Also Like
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I’m still waiting for my knight in shining sarcasm.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
If you guys don’t hear from your sexy lady friend TC today it’s because he’s spending Father’s Day with his family.