@NourHadidi

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

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@chrissyteigen

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

@crocodilethumbs

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

@Lisa_Laughs_

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

@Try2StopME

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

@Chumpstring

KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I’m holding your son for ransom.

DAD: I have no money, what’s the ransom?

KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.

@otterwrangler

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

@Fred_Delicious

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

@LoriLuvsShoes

So I told my husband that I have a TC and he said, “that’s really cute. See if he wants to fund your shoe addiction”