How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
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Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Just got to our Airbnb!
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776