@brunopieroni

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

You Might Also Like

@Audenary

Me: But can robots write poetry?!

Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all

Me: [Choking back tears] Dude

@pauleggleston

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

@NewDadNotes

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

@lizzzzzielogan

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

@iinkedZombie

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.

@DreamerDixie

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

@81I2

Kiss her in the middle of her sentence

chicks dig when you visit them in jail