How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Hotels are back
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…