HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
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My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.