how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
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me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*